Sunday, 8 July 2007

Wow, I've seen a few other people's posts about not being allowed to write a title and now I see what they mean! The title box won't even take the cursor.

If my sleep schedule stays as close to "normal" as it has been lately, I'm going to have to try post here earlier in the evening. It's not yet 10pm and my mind is a fog. This schedule shift has also made me almost constantly tired, but perhaps that will pass. I had hoped to wake up in time to get to church today. I prayed quite specifically as I was going to sleep last night. First that I hoped to wake up in time and be refreshed, even though I'd be getting a less sleep than usual and then that if I did not wake up, I wouldn't beat myself up about it, or think that God hadn't been listening, but just accept it and go on with the day.

Well, I did not wake up. I had two alarms set and I heard neither, though when I did wake up to hearing the door close as everyone else left for church, I had a bit of a tune from the CD alarm still in my head. By then the alarm would have shut itself off a half hour before. The most striking thing was that I remembered my prayer (especially the part about not beating myself up) the moment I woke and I was able to simply accept it. Not so many years ago, I'd have thought praying for help waking up was foolish, or irreverent, or just plain wrong in some way, but I've struggled for years with this. I've also changed my thinking on what sort of things God cares about concerning His children. Whenever I pray for help waking up and I get it, it's quite clear it's God's doing and I'm thankful for it, but when I still don't wake up, I always think there had to be something I could have done to try harder. Why is it so hard for me to imagine that God could say no to that prayer? It's still a quandary for me, but enough of that for now.

I also had a strange and disturbing dream about someone I barely know, having only spent time with them in a group a couple times. This person is fairly recently divorced and when I saw them last, I was concerned, knowing they were in that terribly risky time when the hurt and rejection of the divorce, brought on by infidelity, left them extremely vulnerable. The risks of ugly entanglements during that time are so high. Some people come through it ok and others are left with scars and even habits that affect them for a lifetime. Divorce itself leaves enough lasting scars without more added. Anyway, I had heard that this person did run wild and has been left with lasting consequences and that's probably why I dreamed about them.

I dreamed that I was praying for them and then somehow I realized that it was too late to pray for them, because they'd taken their own life. When I woke up and remembered it, I was very disturbed by it. I certainly hope it had nothing to do with reality and was simply born of my worry for them!! I also pray that if God would have me reach out to them in some way, He'll show me how and give me the strength to do so!
"If I gained the world, but lost the Savior..." oh what desolation that would be!! Hold fast to Jesus!