Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Pride doesn't die easily...

And the struggle goes on for years... maybe a lifetime. Because of my inability to take care of myself combined with the need to get to a family reunion for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, my family got together and decided to pay my way there. Now this is a wonderful and generous thing and I truly hope they are all blessed beyond measure for their kindness, but I couldn't just say "Great! thank you! That'll work," instead I have to consider every angle of it all to do my best to keep as comfortable and pain free as possible. My niece had asked me if I could drive there with her, which was also rough on my pride, since I can't afford to pay half the gas and all that. Driving would be better for me though, since I wouldn't have to consider all the walking involved with airports, or what it would take do the flying thing using a wheelchair.

Well, this offer from my family was to pay for flying. I'll manage somehow if that's what works the best, but that thought of getting through airports still overwhelms my brain. Also, my niece would end up having to help me through all that perhaps more than she realizes. So, I have to think about which is worst. Would 20 hours or so on the road be less, or more painful than a fairly short flight, but all the managing of myself and baggage and all on both ends?

My pain was pretty level earlier, but then I found that water had leaked into the hallway by my bathroom and I tried to do what I could to take care of the problem. All I did was pull up the edge of the carpet, prop it up, put some towels down on the carpet pad and step on them to soak up some of the water, and then put a fan on it. Just that, which seems like so little, knocked me almost flat for the next hour or so. I hurt so bad I couldn't even knit and could barely concentrate on talking a little bit when I went upstairs for Bible study. If I had had to go any further than up the stairs to go to Bible study, I'd have had to pass. As it was, I went without letting myself think, because if I had thought about it at all, I wouldn't have faced those stairs. I sound like an old person saying that (there goes that pride again.) We did have a wonderful Bible study and before it was over the pain had let up enough for me to breath easier.

Well anyway, I do need to think about what's best for travel, not only for me, but for my niece as well. She said she'd come over and we'd talk about it, so I probably should slow my brain down, gather all the facts I can, and relax, instead of stressing over it. I do really look forward to the reunion and I'm not going to dwell on thoughts of it all being ruined by pain, because it could be if I don't keep up the best attitude I can. My parents and ALL my siblings, plus their spouses and kids, will be in the same place for the first time in a very long time. We're going to have a Blast despite the mosquitoes!!! More on that later.

It seems that once I start writing, I sure don't keep it short! If I end up sharing this blog, I wonder if anyone will actually manage to get through reading it.. LOL! I guess I shouldn't think about that, since writing my thoughts helps me to sort them out and I need that. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life! May God be glorified continually! I have asked for prayer about getting to this reunion, now I need to be thankful and trust that He will work out all the details!

I Always have trouble getting started when I write!

I certainly have enough on my mind to write stuff for the rest of my life, however long that might be, but I sure wish I could put it all into order quickly and concisely! I woke up today with "when I call upon Jesus, all things are possible" going through my head. I'm not even sure what the name of the song is and I had probably heard it on the radio while I was mostly asleep, but it was a great message to wake up to! I had had a really dreadful dream about a dying kitten that I don't think should be put into words, because it was just too repulsive and better not remembered. It's still clear in my head and I wish it wasn't.
Maybe I have trouble getting started writing because I'm always trying to pre-edit everything first... now there's a thought! I'm going to have to try just letting it flow and forget about the editing till it's necessary. I am, after all, writing for my own sake, though I may or may not share it.
I've had a fairly level day so far in the area of pain. I couldn't remember if I'd taken my pain pills at some point while half awake, as I try to do, so I had to wait long enough after I got up to be sure not to overlap, but it was ok today. Things can change in a blink with this pain, but I try to appreciate every moment when it's letting me relax a bit.
I think I'm beginning this in fits and starts and maybe that's just how it'll be. That's part of what this disease, "RSD" (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy,) does to me. I can be on a roll with a thought, or a conversation, or with writing, like now, and my mind will draw a blank. It might clear up quickly so I can go on, or it might end up on another track altogether. I tend to think that last is how it usually works. I lose my train of thought and in grasping for it, I come up with another one and go with it. That can be frustrating, but at least if I'm talking to someone else, they can often pull my brain back to where I lost it... lol! It does make writing difficult though and I have So Many things I want to write about!
At the moment I'm rambling and it's almost supper time, so I'd better get back to this later.

Just the beginning

Well, just trying to get a start on this and establish a page... have to see if I do anything with it in time. I hope this isn't just a waste of time.