Saturday, 23 June 2007

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to...

I don't feel like crying right now though, so I guess I won't. I wondered if I would react badly to this birthday, since I came a little unglued when I was turning 29 and this one is 39! How ten years passed so quickly is beyond me. It just proves I'm a little "off" that I stress over the birthday before the ones most people stress over. Than again, I might just stress next year, since I haven't done it this year.

I got an online card from my birthday twin and a colored drawing from my youngest niece in the house. My brother and his family sang to me at supper (that was different) and another of my nieces drew me a card with funny faces on the front and $2 inside with an "I (heart) you."

I'm in the middle of a sort of episode that I wonder if I can describe. I have been writing bits on this as the day goes, so I'm picking up where I left off several hours ago. I go through these episodes perhaps twice in a week, perhaps much less, or more. They come and go without any warning, or reason that I can put my finger on, other than that it is part of RSD. I am intensely uncomfortable, both physically and mentally. I'm not in any particularly strong pain, but I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, or scream and cry for no other reason than this discomfort. My thoughts feel like they are spinning and swirling around, but I can't pin them down, other than the ones directly related to this horrible feeling. What I wish most at these times is for sleep, because that would seem to be the only way to escape. I find that I itch at these times, just sort of randomly all over. It is very similar to the affect I've had when I stopped taking some temporary prescription pain killer, like vicodin. This usually passes within a few hours of starting and the relief is sometimes as intense as the discomfort, but a whole Lot better. I have a very strong drive during these times to eat and smoke to excess and since I'm struggling to cut back on both those things, it just adds to the misery of it.

It's later now and the episode is past. I just wanted to write it out while I was in the middle of it, because afterwords I can't pin as much of how it feels down. There is so much that I wish I could make a note of at the moment at the moment it happens, or is on my mind, but I find trying to carry a notepad and pencil too inconvenient. I have a tiny digital recorder that has more potential, but I haven't managed to carry that around either.

It's past midnight already, so my birthday is over. I'd better get this posted if I'm going to.. lol I copied and pasted this from wordpad and now it won't spellcheck for me... hmmm... ahh well.
"Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to thee!"